Distiller Summer Camp Opulence 41 Year Old Single Malt

Let me gather myself for a moment (and clean off the blood streaming down my face)... So, I was startled awake on this beautiful, Easter Sunday by my usual FedEx delivery guy. He kicked in my front door, made a beeline to my bedroom and viciously stapled a VIP ticket to my damn forehead. I screamed again that I didn’t have any deliveries coming this week and he gave me that look. “Bitch, I stop here twice a week. No exceptions, and you know that.” He pointed to a large envelope with the words DISTILLER SUMMER CAMP embossed in raised, gold leaf letters on it. I plucked the ticket from my face and wiped away the blood, while peeling the envelope slowly open. I don’t think I was supposed to get this envelope. Inside was all the details for the Summer Camp program: whisky pours, music artist lineups, spa treatment schedules, etc. Well, what originally excited me the most was the musical lineup: UNTIL I READ THE FINE PRINT. The Black Eyed Peas? More like the two crappy ones: Taboo and apple.de.app (no Fergie, no Will.I.Am). It says Fergie’s parts will be sung by the first girl eliminated from Season 4 of The Voice. Who? The other male singer goes by the name Will.I.Aint. Then, for you alternative rock fans- Blink 60.667. If you do the math you’ll get it- only 1 original member of the band. The hip-hop/R&B artist: Froggy Fresh & Money Maker Mike singing their hit song “Dunked On”. Man, what the... Anyway, let’s look at the luxurious spa package. It says Whisky-based massage. Apparently there are 2 options: 1) A famous athlete will perform full body massages on the men using his personal stash of Haig Club; or 2) A popular singer will do the same with his Virginia Black whisky, while humming his song “Best I Ever Had” in your ear (It’s rumored he even hums with a Canadian accent). For you lucky females, a pop singer is offering a dental treatment using “a bottle of Jack” and a controversial rock musician will perform her famous slap ‘n tickle for a small fee. If you’re lucky, she’ll tell the story about how she convinced her ex-husband to kill himself. Hey-oh! As for the VIP pours, Macallan will be offering an ultra rare pour from the fifth bottle in the 1824 series (the ones named after the whisky colors): Crystal Macallan. It’s clear- just like what Pepsi did to their soda back in the early 90’s. A well-known distiller will be dumping full bottles of the Constellation Series on the ground and allowing you to drop on all fours and slurp it from the dirt. You ungrateful bastards. A distillery will be doling out tastes of its latest, unpronounceable NAS- Grevblumnich Thu Princh’shlockthurn-ow-ow-ow. Which is Gaelic for “the sound a drunkard makes when he slips off the curb and falls down in the gutter after leaving a pub”. There’s a few more VIP pours but I don’t want to ruin all the excitement for you guys. That said, I think I’m gonna pass on this event, but somebody smuggle me out a sample or two of the Opulence 41. It sounds interesting. Cheers.

Back at camp one summer... I have a connection who knows someone involved in some shady dealings with the distillery. This gave me the chance to sample all three extremely limited bottlings. I was skeptical that every pleasant aroma imaginable was actually present, but I was wrong! The PX cask version offers an abundance of delightful fruit notes, smooth vanilla, caramel, and some things I've never encountered in a scotch before. I detected scents of pizza, a relative's meatball dish, lubricant, stormy weather, a carpentry shop, and freshly poured concrete. The red wine cask expression is dominated by red wine, but also includes white wine, rice wine, dandelion wine, red wine vinegar, and every other wine-like essence. The most unexpected elements were the scent of a particular aftershave, tropical bread rolls, and solid gold ingots. This is truly impressive. The port cask bottling might be the superior one. It features blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, strawberries, boysenberries, cranberries, and every other berry one could imagine. Additionally, there were notes of jelly beans, cheese bagels, breakfast pork links, coarse granite, and burning cherry wood. The flavor profile of each was so profound that I felt I witnessed a legendary poet descending from a mountain, riding a magnificent, see-through horse. Upon returning to my senses, I informed my spouse and the medical professional who believed I was having a seizure that these three scotches are unparalleled in human history. I assert that nothing will ever again possess such an astonishing aroma or taste so divine as these three single malts... unless they decide to release a 48-year-old at 48% ABV. If that happens, I might lose control of my emotions.

(Tasted from a bottle taken by a friend) I never imagined I could feel even more important than I already do! This spirit somehow made that possible, with a nose that contains an entire meal affordable on a student's budget! It has mid-to-low tier wines, spirits, and brandies of all kinds, as well as a little gin, but only on Tuesday nights while watching Will and Grace because it makes me feel like Karen. The palate intensifies with red gummy bears, ramen, manually harvested pine nuts, and stray cat, smoked illegally on a third-floor studio apartment balcony. If I somehow found another distressed envoy with broken legs whom I could persuade to share another taste, it would definitely be worth losing an afternoon in court testifying as a witness! Minus one star for E150 and chill filtration.

At an event, a fantastic pour was part of the experience. We consumed it liberally; later, we relaxed in imported Turkish baths and then got our nightly massage with a unique balm crafted from Port Ellen releases and mythical tears. Divine.

I'm excited to attend this summer camp. My kids can go to the YMCA and do typical summer activities, but I'd prefer to give up my job for the summer and drink whiskey all day and night for three months. I'm looking forward to my bottle of this!

I suspected from the title that this was an April Fools' joke, but while reading it (and being amused), I genuinely wished that most of it were real!!! Well executed by the distiller, very well done. But please make (most of) it a reality!